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Sometimes it’s just too difficult to enjoy fantasy baseball. There are too many distractions and too many responsibilities.
Who wants to be a Chinstrap Ninja anyway? If you find yourself asking that question constantly, then I’m here to help. You’ll need to follow these 7 steps to drop out of the fantasy assassin ranks or, in some cases, never be invited in:
1. Don’t make any lineup changes for weeks at a time
This one’s among the best moves you can make to be anti-ninja. Don’t switch out your cold hitters for hot ones, don’t take advantage of rainout doubleheaders, don’t take advantage of those two-start pitchers. Nope just let it all slide. It’ll be more challenging that way.
2. Ignore injury news
So, Joakim Soria’s on the DL? The Anti-Ninja is not going to bother putting him on my fantasy DL and picking up somebody else. Soria’s only got seven saves and 10 Ks in 8 innings. Clearly that beer you’re drinking while watching the NBA Playoffs is far more important than logging in to the league website. Never mind that you could glance at your fantasy team during commercials. You multi-task at work, not at home!
3. Speaking of logging in, just don’t
Don’t bother leaving any messages on the league forum, don’t bother checking the standings, don’t bother leaving any smack talk. Don’t even bother logging in. You can spend those 15 seconds it takes to type your 3-letter login and 5-letter password on something far more important. Like chewing on a corn chip. … slowly.
4. When you do log in, avoid the waiver wire
When, hungover after a particularly long Game 3, you do log in by accident, don’t bother checking out the free agent pool. Who cares if Casey Kotchman and Jerry Hairston are blowing up right now and available in all but the deepest leagues? You’ve got the guys you drafted and they’ll be good enough to win.
5. Stay out of the loop on breaking news
As the Anti-Ninja, you want to be the guy who three weeks from now says “Oh, when did A-Rod get back?” Everyone, everyone else has already had this conversation, but it’s not your job to care. That half-hour long loop of ESPNnews is too long, and it’s too much work to click over to a sports website at work for 45 seconds. You’re too busy multitasking: There are TPS Reports to do, Megan from shipping sent you a joke you just have to read, and you have to check the time of your next WWE Pay-Per-View. They don’t have any wrestling news on those so-called real sports websites.
6. Don’t read Chinstrap Ninjas and other fantasy sites
Why do you need to read fantasy sports sites? You’re an expert right? Drafted the best fantasy team known to man. You know all the tips, all the tricks. There is no bit of conversation that could give you no perspective. There is no advice that can help you.
7. Don’t bother asking for advice on those sites
Advice? We just established that the anti-ninja doesn’t need advice! In fact, the Anti-Ninja believes that when you ask for “advice” in places like Chinstrap Ninjas’ forums, all you really want is for people to agree with your point of view.
These are only seven of the many ways to achieve Anti-Ninja status. Do you know of any others? Let us know in the comments or go to our forums and start a conversation.
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